Growing and developing

Having an obsession can be a dangerous thing. This past summer has been filled with many lessons. Second summer that I haven't dated, and maybe that's a good thing. I don't understand why it hurts so much to be alone and not being in a relationship with someone. I have to learn how to love myself fully I keep running into this toxic trap of getting attached too quickly. I have to grow out of this way of thinking and learning how to be single is the only way to gain self-confidence. There's one ex I can't seem to get rid of out of my mind. He's living his life and I have to live mine. I met him at a friend's birthday party two years ago, and we clicked. I fell in love with him but he never knew because I was afraid of getting hurt. But I ended up getting hurt anyway but there's other pain that other people have dealt with that is greater than that. Like me who experienced loss last year, and some people are ill and not sure how much longer they have left. I have to try to look for the Silver lining and at the same time go through the pain. I have a tendency to go from one extreme to the next when it comes to emotions. I'm an emotional woman and it can get exhausting, I had a girl's day out which was much needed. Heather really cheered me up we went to lunch, the movies, and shopping. It's nice to finally have that balance. I have to drop this desperate way of thinking because I realize the more I think and feel this way in terms of wanting a man, I'm going to attract someone who's controlling. I don't want that AT ALL!! I want someone who's going to respect me, my time, and the people around me. My standards go a little longer than that but that's in a nutshell. I'm signing off with happy thoughts. I'm taking Deepak Chopra's 21 day meditation challenge on miraculous relationships. I need to release all of this old pain and make room for joy.

ME, MYSELF AND ?

Life has defintely threw a cuurveball over the past month. Losing a family member is definitely hard. I was dating this new guy from school back in September I had to let him go because he said some things that really had me for a loop. Plus I still have feelings for someone else I want to start over but taking things slow may be the best thing. I need to focus on myself and it'll be easier this time because I can focus on school. Being in a relationship right now wouldn't be good for me. I'm extremely sensetive, and whenever things get cancelled I take it to heart. The "school boy" kept cancelling on me, and I stopped calling him. That's a pet peeve of mine I want to be able to spend time with someone and get to know them more. Protecting my heart makes sense, I will miss my father everyday. I'm still grieving and I just can't get my heart broken and grieve it'll be an emotional overload. It's time for me to get spiritually balanced, become more independent, and just start being more of an adult. I'm tired of relying on my family, I'm tired of being anxious, and I'm tired of fighting; but I have to support myself, I have to work I have to keep at it with college. I have to start learning how to hustle............ legally of course, so I have to find creative ways to make money. My sister is extremely talented, but it's different for me. It's time I make a list of things to do so I can stop being dependent.

Life and time and Time of life to live

Things have taken an extreme u-turn. I will have to change a lot of things and people in my life. I'm trying to get my life in order and change who I associate myself with. I can't get comfortable anymore no matter how hard things get I have to keep pushing myself until I get what I want. I'm starting to pay attention to my dreams and the symbols in them. Some I know and some I need help interpreting. I'm also learning who my true friends are. I will continue to meditate and pay attention to the messages. One person I know won't be that difficult but the others I'm still not sure. As the saying goes all will be revealed in due time.

MOLDING MY LIFE

Things have been crazy busy! I started my second semester at my new college, and I'm taking Early childhood. I was talking to someone new but he was moving too fast. Trying to sory my feelings out that's all I'll say about that situation. Being single is a little easier this time now that I go to school five days a week. I'm trying not to get stressed out so easily. I do miss the guy I was dating last year, and I think about him off and on. Relationships can be complicated and I really feel like we are meant to be. Maybe the timing wasn't right ugh here I go getting distracted again. School is going really well I'm passing both of my classes, and I'm coming into my own. I spread my classes out for next semester so I can work, and I have to learn to mult-task. That is not my strong suit but I'm a work in progess. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and change just about everything. I would change how I did in high school academically, last year I would've done better in the relationship I was in. I remember when I was little I said by the time I'm in my 20s I would have graduated from college, have a job, and married. I feel like I wasted my 20's time to step it up some more. Learning how to handle things better is something that I need to do. Finding techniques on multi-tasking and staying calm is a must. Eliminating fear is a must that's the only way I will do better. So time to be more mature and just get over the small stuff.

ALL GOOD THINGS

Things have been going really well for me lately. I have financial aid, I start school next week, and I'll be working with a temp agency. Being single is tough at times but staying busy does help tremendously. I do miss my ex and I know I shouldn't but I do there are good things I missed about the relationship. He's extremely intelligent, funny, and caring. That's all I will say about it and I still feel like he's the one,but it may not be for right now. I have to get my life in order, and a lot of things need to be said if we were to reconcile. Self-confidence is still an issue with me because when I was little, and in high school I was teased a lot. I was teased because of my weight, and I was very shy. In High School I was teased because of my weight, I had braces, glasses, and I had trouble processing information plus I was considered different. I dressed like a tomboy, I listened to the music I liked and I was an avid reader. But a few years ago I finally knew what the learning differences were. So the next step is to separate myself from the label and view them has challenges to work through and come up with solutions. I do know that I'm quirky, and I believe in God but I need to accept myself and not care about what others think of me. I guess I've been emotionally scared for so long and the insults people gave me stuck with me. They were hurtful things and I take everything to heart and that caused long going depression. Life always has ups and downs but I feel like I'm going in the right direction. This summer I was spending a lot of time by myself and that gave me a change to grow and learn about myself. I learned that it's okay to be happy when something good happens. I learned to speak my mind without feeling obligation or regret. I still have a long....... way to go but I know things will continue to get better.

RE-AWAKENING,DREAMS,OBE ETC;

Volunteering went very well today it feels nice to give back. I've been having lots of experiences lately, I've been waking up at 3.am. constantly. When I wake up I feel floaty like I've been astral travel. For those of you who don't know what astral travel is its when your spirit comes out of your body. It feels like your leaving your body, I remember when I did that the first time a few years ago. I went all the way up to the ceiling, and it was scary,and I snapped back into my body. I remember a second time was when I was on a mountain trip, and I had meditated by the fire when I was asleep I left my body. I snapped back into myself so hard that I had a headache, so whenever I feel that snapping sensation I know I traveled. I have flying dreams as well, and I seem to go to the same place which is a forrest, or the beach. I always feel at peace when waking up from that, and I keep dreaming of the same man more and more. He came to visit me in a dream right before I got up aroun d 5 a.m. We were sitting on top of a hill, and he looked at me and smiled, there was grass everywhere, and we were looking out unto nature. I never met him before in reality so I'm not sure what this means. I knew it was him because of the blond hair, and the feeling I got from him. He seems to come when I feel lonely and I do at times. We could have known each other from another lifetime, and he could be trying to keep me close. I haven't had this much experience with my spiritual development before, and I have to learn what I can and can not handle. Once I get to a point where I can I want to use it to help others. I have to start paying attention to the times I wake up. I want to be able to control where I go when I astral travel, and I have been lucid dreaming like crazy. That'll be my new goal for the upcoming year is to be able to communicate with the other side a little better. I just want to overall to be fearless with this area of my life.

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